I Miss You.
Grief is such a strange thing. Yesterday I spent the entire day sobbing because I miss my grandmother so much. I sobbed while I worked, I cried while “getting out” and walking to the coffee shop and I was all tears while I prepared our dinner. I don’t have any idea what the trigger was–it wasn’t a date of any significance as far as I know. I think of her every day, but yesterday was more than just missing her–it was being crushed by the loss all over again.
My grandmother, Ellen Jacquelyn “Honey” Kennedy McCabe, passed away when I was 18 and I guess I feel cheated for not getting to know her as an adult. For not having her physically there for significant events in my adult life. We were so close and for me, this has become more distressing as I’ve gotten older because at 18 I really didn’t have a true grasp on the years ahead and what it would mean not to have her there. I just knew I missed her terribly then–right then–and wanted her back with all my heart. Then when you see your life start to fan out in front of you, the void becomes crystal clear.
I know I miss her hugs and kisses, laughter, wit, fun stories, unspoken understanding, interesting excursions, discerning taste, sense of adventure, omniscience… and well, maybe I want her approval–which is rarely the case with me (I’m a rebel, damn it!). I want to hear her thoughts and opinions. And advice–even the unsolicited variety would be so welcome coming from the likes of her.
Grief really sneaks up on you, doesn’t it? I know most of you can probably relate in some way. The only cure is the memories–I just hope I can hold them in my mind forever while still moving forward. ♥
Top photo: Jackie “Honey” Kennedy getting ready on her wedding day. NY, 1951.
Bottom photo: Her 8th birthday with her mom (my Nana Ellen) and cousin. NY, 1938.